When I got on here to start writing, I found it so ironic that my last post was on being thankful. Because, ohmyfreakingword, thankful is not how I would describe my past couple of days.
Sometimes depression comes out of nowhere and knocks you flat.
Sometimes distress is your closest friend.
Sometimes tears are constantly knocking on your eyeballs, begging to be let free onto your cheeks.
Sometimes more strong language goes through your head than you would ever dare say out loud.
Sometimes life hurts.
Sometimes life hurts a lot and what you've been able to ignore (or cope with) for months comes to the surface and life gets ugly.
Ugly.
Sometimes life is just ugly.
Yes, there are moments of beauty, and yes, there are always a bajillion things to be thankful for, and yes, there are a thousand things that could be worse.
But darn it all, it's still ugly.
It still has more hurt and frustration and confusion and fear and pain and suffering and injustice than one can handle.
Learning how to live in this world of pain is a life-long journey. The seasons change and the years go by and some pain stays the same and new pain comes and once in a while a former pain dies.
Tonight I don't have the answers.
Tonight I'm bone tired after a very long week and I just want to turn off my brain and sleep for days (but am leaving for kickboxing at 7:00 tomorrow morning...the things I do to myself).
Tonight my heart physically hurts from the emotional hurts.
Tonight I've consumed too much chocolate.
Tonight I'll keep fighting those freaking tears.
Tonight I will listen to "Need You Now" by Plumb.
Because tonight "I need You" is about all I can cry out to God.
And tonight I'll trust Him to hear those words and have mercy on my weakness.
Amidst all the pain and change, He is the One thing that never changes.
Sometimes depression comes out of nowhere and knocks you flat.
Sometimes distress is your closest friend.
Sometimes tears are constantly knocking on your eyeballs, begging to be let free onto your cheeks.
Sometimes more strong language goes through your head than you would ever dare say out loud.
Sometimes life hurts.
Sometimes life hurts a lot and what you've been able to ignore (or cope with) for months comes to the surface and life gets ugly.
Ugly.
Sometimes life is just ugly.
Yes, there are moments of beauty, and yes, there are always a bajillion things to be thankful for, and yes, there are a thousand things that could be worse.
But darn it all, it's still ugly.
It still has more hurt and frustration and confusion and fear and pain and suffering and injustice than one can handle.
Learning how to live in this world of pain is a life-long journey. The seasons change and the years go by and some pain stays the same and new pain comes and once in a while a former pain dies.
Tonight I don't have the answers.
Tonight I'm bone tired after a very long week and I just want to turn off my brain and sleep for days (but am leaving for kickboxing at 7:00 tomorrow morning...the things I do to myself).
Tonight my heart physically hurts from the emotional hurts.
Tonight I've consumed too much chocolate.
Tonight I'll keep fighting those freaking tears.
Tonight I will listen to "Need You Now" by Plumb.
Because tonight "I need You" is about all I can cry out to God.
And tonight I'll trust Him to hear those words and have mercy on my weakness.
Amidst all the pain and change, He is the One thing that never changes.