I'm trying to come up for air.
And writing is like oxygen to my wheezing heart.
It's been months since I blogged, typed some of the scribblings of my heart, paused to collect and compose my thoughts through a keyboard.
Months that have been the BEST and the hardest, the most beautiful and the most ugly.
I'm getting married. (Woah.) On December 12th, 2015, surrounded by huge Christmas trees and crisp winter air, the man I love and respect with all my heart knelt down and asked me to marry him. I still get choked up typing that. This man loves me when I least deserve it and holds me when I'm at my weakest. He calls me beautiful, even when I'm having a really crappy day.
And I've been having a lot of crappy days.
It's hard to condense three and a half months into a blog post. Three and a half months ago I was still in the throes of abdominal surgery recovery, and just coming to the realization, acknowledgment, and acceptance, that I was not okay. And I don't mean just physically; the mental and emotional depth of pain and hurt, were deeper than I ever anticipated.
There are many things they don't tell you about surgery. One of the hardest, is what it can do to one's mind and emotions. I was completely unprepared to struggle with acute stress disorder. I had no idea that's what I was struggling with. I was embarrassed by the thoughts, emotions, and panic attacks I fought daily. I'm so thankful for a boyfriend and close friends who lovingly encouraged me to get help. Going to a Christian counselor is one of the best decisions I've ever made. I slowly started making progress and recovering emotionally, as well as physically.
Fast forward to now... I'm still going to see that Christian counselor (albeit less frequently). I still get panicky easily. I daily fight various physical pain and ailments. The stress of wedding planning is kicking my butt (and I know that's mostly my fault).
As much as I hate admitting it out loud, I stress easily. And I carry not only my own stresses, but the stresses of those I love and care about. And yes, I also carry the stresses of people I don't even know. It's something I'm working on, reading a book about, and continually talking with my fiancee about.
Because now, now my stress doesn't just affect me on a daily basis. It affects the person I love most in this world. It hurts him, it hurts us, when I live in a state of stress.
When I'm stressed, I'm more easily irritated and angered and irrational. My health gets worse and my sleep less peaceful. Even the enjoyable things in life are no longer a joy. The blessings become burdens.
I'm in the busy season of preparing for a wedding and marriage and I'm letting myself ruin some of the most beautiful moments of my entire life. And it needs to stop.
I can't do much about the busyness right now. The wedding needs planning, and the homes need cleaning out and organizing and packing, and the marriage needs preparation. There are honestly few things I can cut right now.
But I can add more time in the Word and in prayer. I can add random moments to breathe. They may be short but I need to pause long enough to make them sweet. I can add more minutes with my man, during which I'm not glued to my phone or MacBook or wedding folder. I can add fifteen minute walks.
Tonight I'm incredibly thankful.
Thankful for Justin staying an extra half hour to talk through my frustrations and anger and irrationality and stress.
Thankful that God gives new mercies every morning, no matter how many times I've fallen (which are many, if you've read my blog for any length of time, and feel like it's just a repeat of the same subjects and struggles and scribbles).
Thankful for blog posts and God's Word and praying friends.
All glory be to Christ.