It's a cloudy Monday morning, on this first Monday of March. After a night of tossing and turning, my sweet baby girl officially woke me up for good a little after 6:30 with the belly bouncing of her hiccups. Sweetest thing ever. They're rare and I love them. These are the pregnancy moments that make the many hard moments worth it.

It's a windy morning and the word is that a snowstorm will be blowing in tonight and tomorrow. But even that doesn't dampen my excitement over the fact that it's the month of March. Baby Emery's birth month is officially only three months away and I'm so grateful. Plus, I just can't wait to be outside in the fresh air, soaking up vitamin D, and using nature's natural medicine for depression and anxiety. It's been a long winter.

As we count down the days until Emery's due date, my mind is swirling at a million miles an hour about all the things I'd like to get done first...

-finish painting all the existing woodwork & doors in the house and install the new trim
-paint a few items of furniture
-continue to organize and declutter the entire house
-paint the kitchen
-get 30 freezer meals in the chest freezer + lots of healthy homemade baked goods
-finish my Master Menu Plan
-spring yard clean up
-create new postpartum budget 
-install new light fixtures
-finish selling furniture & other household items
-finish birth plan
-pack hospital bag

I'll spare you the rest. My list is two full pages long and growing... We will definitely need to prioritize.

I'm making the choice on this Monday morning to not let the overwhelm paralyze me, to learn to prioritize better, and to remind myself that whatever does or does not get done, it will be okay. As I near the third trimester, I can already feel my body slowing down. In this season, I will choose to give myself grace and focus on what is most important: a healthy baby and a healthy momma. 

The house projects will always be there. If the freezer doesn't get packed full of meals, our family will step up and help feed us. If I can't make the numbers work on the postpartum budget, God will provide. 

These are the little truths & reminders I will need to repeat to myself over and over and over as we journey through the final part of this pregnancy.

I'm a perfectionist by nature and like to be prepared and do all. the. things. This has been a constant battle, both blessing and curse, over my entire adult life. As I enter motherhood, those challenges will continue to change and grow and I pray God continues to shape & refine me.

I pray He helps me prioritize with eternal values in mind.

​Always.

Sabbath.

Rest.

Pause.

The past few weeks, I've been pondering on the whole concept of sabbath.

This is not a new idea to me, I was raised in a home that took Sundays seriously and we always rested (honestly, I remember getting bored as a kid).

It's a practice, a rhythm, a principle I've maintained with varying degrees throughout my adult life.

Lately I have found my podcast app unintentionally flooded with random episodes on sabbath and rest.

Ultimately (and most importantly), sabbath is God's idea. It is His plan. He created it from the very beginning of time. 

If the God of all creation took a rest from His work after six days, that's a pretty big clue that we puny humans need to take sabbath seriously. It's bordering on arrogant or absurd to think we could function well otherwise.

I know what it is to run myself into the ground. I know what it is to not truly take time each week for rest, worship, and refueling. 

I also know how easy it can be to have a "sabbath" consist of 90% Netflix, Hulu, and Words with Friends.

I am in no way bashing TV show binging or iPhone gaming. I love a Gilmore Girls marathon as much as the next girl and there's something weirdly fulfilling about beating your husband in another round of Words with Friends.

But recently I am discovering that excessive doses of vegging out on the living room sofa with the Apple TV remote does little for my health or sanity. It is not (always) truly resting.

Five months of a challenging pregnancy have given me more "down" time than I've had in years. What I've learned is that, while TV shows can provide the beautiful gift of distraction from pain, they ultimately can increase my levels of anxiety and restlessness. 

Restless = the opposite of restful.

These days you'll find me reaching for a book to read, my journal to scribble in, or my MacBook to plunk out words in blog post drafts (not nearly all of them get posted).

You'll find podcasts and the audio Bible playing in my wireless air pods instead of Netflix running in the background, while I clean the house, make dinner, or do my makeup.

You'll hear me ask my hubby to play some competitive rounds of Bananagrams or Farkle.

You'll catch me on a quick fifteen minute walk instead of scrolling Instagram.

Don't get me wrong. There is still plenty of Facebook marketplace searching and Instagram story watching and The Office streaming with the hubs.

There is still more screen time than is probably healthy. 

But I'll take progress over perfection and I'll keep pushing forward.

When weeks are extra super crazy rough, like this past one has been, it's even more crucial to use the sabbath as a time to truly find refreshment. 

Today it meant waking up way too early (oh, pregnancy) and laughing hysterically at the most random things while we lounged in bed with morning breath and matted hair.

It meant ducking out of church right after the service and slipping back into our comfies and nibbling on huge pieces of banana coffeecake, while sharing an episode of Fixer Upper.

it meant 20 minutes in the kitchen whipping up a creamy chicken enchilada recipe that I found on the internet and laughing until I spit food out of my mouth when all they tasted like was warm sour cream (which hubs hates) dumped over some tortillas.

It meant four rounds of loud and intense Bananagrams, while we sipped on our lemon waters (I'm the reigning champion, for the record).

It meant watching the pilot episode of a show I've never seen, while hubs was off at his weekly ultimate frisbee game, and then realizing I was super not into Hulu right now and opening my laptop to write instead.

Later this evening we'll have BLT sandwiches (BLTC to be technical, because you have to add cheese...in fact, mine will be BLTCA because I just remembered I have ripe avocados. Yesssssss.)

We've faced some hard things this week. They have hit on many sides, in many areas of life, and left me weak, wounded, and weary. I have not felt so beaten down in a very long time. 

But after hours of discussion & time in prayer last night and a beautifully restful Sunday today, my heart is a little less heavy. The problems are not fixed or gone but the simple act of taking a sabbath from it all has left me with a little more peace and a day filled with laughter instead of the tears from the past several days

And I'm reminded yet again that God's principles & practices are always for our best.

​And how silly it is to think or act otherwise.

As we approach our second wedding anniversary, I find myself reflecting on how the past five months of pregnancy have changed, challenged, and grown our marriage. 

The first three months were crazy. The Crohn's scare, the massive migraines, the vomiting, the dehydration. the unspeakably painful hospitalization and subsequent slow recovery,  the residual headaches and blurry vision, the exhaustion and emptiness and zero energy & health to devote to our home and, honestly, to our marriage.

As a backdrop to this story, we moved into our new home a mere two weeks before we found out Little Monster was on the way and I was immediately incapacitated with morning (all day) sickness at 5 weeks, the night after that + sign appeared on that pregnancy test.

This new home needed a boatload of work, still reeked of cat urine (amidst our weeks of tireless work and ripping things out and odor sealing), there were boxes everywhere, no order to the chaos, and we had absolutely zero daily or weekly routine or normal. (Additionally, Justin was traveling a ton for work.)
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If you know me at all, you know that those facts alone would have me stressed and struggling. 

Add in the nausea and exhaustion and hormones and inability to do anything about the mess & smell, and you can only imagine the disaster that I had become.

I hated our new home.

I mean for real. Hated it. Wished we had never bought it. Dreaded walking in the door after an exhausting day of merely surviving the work day.

(In my defense, the house absolutely reeked and I had my smell sensitivity heightened times a thousand and was nauseous 24/7.)

I have digressed a bit but there is a point to this rabbit trail.

The state of our home affects our marriage, especially when one of the partners (me) is hugely affected by our daily surroundings. 

So.

Chaotic, smelly house.

Raging hormones.

Unending morning sickness.

Utter exhaustion.

Complete overwhelm.

Extreme pain & suffering from pregnancy "side effects".

Sounds like a recipe for a thriving marriage, right?

Not.

But friends, it's been beautiful. Ridiculously challenging and filled with ugly moments, but beautiful.

I have experienced deeper love and sacrifice from my husband than I ever have before (which is saying something).

We have grown together, through the helpless and hopeless days.

We have held hands more tightly than ever, as we face fears and challenges much greater than us.

We have shared Psalms and sobbing at 2:00am.

​Justin has held me tight through more anxiety the past couple months than ever before.

Because, while we may be over halfway through the second trimester, the challenges are far from gone. They have changed and evolved but are there every moment of every day. (See this post.)

It is now a Tuesday morning, a week and a half later. Apparently this is what happens when you run out of time to add the photos to your blog post: it sits neglected for 10 days. Oh life...

I had another acupuncture appointment this morning and then I ran to the grocery store quick and now i have strawberry shortcake in the oven. A Valentine's Day tradition of a homemade red & white dinner at home will be continued tomorrow and strawberry shortcake is on the menu for dessert. I'm a tiny bit excited.

Little miss Emery is kicking away this morning. I don't know how many times a day I thank God for those kicks and punches and barrel rolls. It brings such joy (even when uncomfortable). 

The past several days the pregnancy anxiety has been slightly off the charts. I could write this post all over again. In fact I just read it again and realized how much i wrote that post because I needed to read that post.  It is hard to stay consistent with the healthy habits and routines that can help. It's much more natural to curl up in the fetal position with a bowl of lucky charms and Netflix.

It's easier to clam up and withdraw than it is to reach out for help and prayer. But reaching out in honesty and humility is by far the better choice. So thankful for praying besties and incredible momma support groups online and a loving hubby.

My final thought today is an encouragement for anyone who is struggling...  Reach out to someone and ask for prayer. Ask for practical help if you need it. Share what is on your mind and heart. I am here and ready to pray for anyone and everyone who needs it. Send me a message and I'll lift you up before the Father. I am 100% serious when I say that I don't know if/how I would have survived the past four months without the prayers of so many who love me and little Emery. I am eternally grateful and my desire is to be able to do that for many others, no matter the struggle or battle they/you are facing. 

Also. Take notice and find joy in the little things. Whether it's one of your favorite candles for $5.49 instead of $15.99 or baking an obscene amount of chewy homemade chocolate chip cookies. Notice, breathe, give thanks, journal them in a gratitude journal. Turn on worship music. This is an artist that is a new favorite of mine, especially her album of Psalms.

Enjoy your Tuesday, friends. I'll be back soon with a post on marriage and pregnancy, sometime during this week of Valentine's Day.

​XOXO

Today I'm going to get really real and really vulnerable. It's going to get painfully honest up in here.

There is a side of pregnancy that I don't believe is talked about enough. We talk about hiccups and nausea and heartburn and constipation and hemorrhoids and stretch marks and puking our brains out. We talk about baby kicks and weight gain and ultrasounds and epidurals and the joys of trying to decide on baby names as a couple.

But I don't hear so much about the mental and emotional challenges that pregnancy can bring. Sure, we joke about mood swings, crying over cute puppies, and being hangry. Our husbands laugh and roll their eyes when we talk about our crazy hormones.

But friends. There is a side to pregnancy that is very real and very hard. It is the side that includes anxiety, panic attacks, anger, depression, sadness, guilt, and darkness. 

It's the tightening of the chest and inability to get a good breath and you're not even sure why.

It's sobbing so hard it hurts at midnight.

It's completely irrational anger over irrational things.

It's heaviness, sadness, and feelings of depression, when you know you should be happier than you've ever been.

It's enormous guilt for having those feelings.

It's not knowing what to say when people ask how you're doing.

It's trying so hard to put on a good super duper happy face, when it feels like others are more excited for you than you are for you. 

(Enter, more feelings of guilt.)

It's laying in bed shaking and hyperventilating when you should be sleeping.

It's long dark nights of not nearly enough sleep and way too many hot tears.

It's deep heaviness, darkness, and literally feeling the evil attacks of the enemy on your soul in the middle of the night.

It's the overwhelming anxiety surrounding every little decision to be made.

It's snapping at your hubby in anger when he's just trying to help and love you and then feeling horrible about it.

It's not knowing where to even begin to answer your hubby when he lovingly asks, "what's wrong?", when you're bawling your eyes out over every. single. thing. under the sun.

It's being angry about being angry and being stressed about being stressed and being anxious about having anxiety and knowing you're being irrational and hating yourself for it.

Gah.

Told you it was gonna get real today.

I mentioned just a couple of these things at my last OB appointment and was informed things like anxiety are extremely common in pregnancy. What? Than why aren't we talking more openly about it, friends?

Our mental, emotional, and spiritual health is just as important, if not more so, than our physical health. 

This is not the first time I have had struggles like this (thanks to extreme physical trauma in the past) but it is all heightened and intensified by crazy high hormone levels, fears and uncertainties about being a new mom, fears about the health of the little one growing inside my womb, and complete overwhelm at all the changes taking place. It is triggered by the extreme physical challenges and pain that have been associated with my pregnancy so far.

(Side note: I think I'll do a whole separate post about the fears associated with pregnancy. They fit into the theme of this post but I'm thinking there are enough of them to make up a post all of their own.)

So what do we do with these struggles, these feelings, this overwhelm?

First of all, we pray. We pray like we've never prayed before. We fight the enemy in Jesus' name and we plead with the Father for mercy, grace, strength, and joy.

Second, we spend time in the Word. A friend of mine recently invited me to join her in reading the whole Bible in 90 days. This means I am reading and/or listening to huge portions of Scripture every day. Is it a "miracle cure" that makes everything hunky dory? Absolutely not! But filling our minds with the truths of God's Word, the truths that we are loved and His strength is made perfect in our weakness, the truths that He is faithful, is one of the greatest tools we can have in this fight for the health of our minds, hearts, and souls.

Third, we accept outside help and support. This can look different for different people. For me, it means...

• asking my closest people to pray for me in the specific ways that i need on a day-to-day, week-to-week basis.
• knowing my Christian counselor is one phone call away and there is no shame in calling her for an appointment.
• being honest with my husband about what is going on in my mind and heart.
• weekly acupuncture and chiropractor appointments to help keep my body in alignment.
• gratefully accepting meals, help around the house, etc.
• knowing that it's okay if at some point i do have to call the OB and have them send over that prescription they recommended for an anxiety medication.

Fourth, we change our lifestyle, habits, and routines to better manage these extra internal battles (and physical struggles). Right now in my own life, this looks like...

• learning new deep breathing and relaxation practices. 
• journaling more.

• letting the house stay messy so I can sit & rest and make my heart less messy.
• working to retrain my brain, when the thoughts are unhealthy and toxic (taking every thought captive)
• getting back in the habit of blogging (writing is therapy to my soul and like oxygen to my lungs).
• incorporating simple self-care rituals like washing & moisturizing my face at night (I know, I know, I should've been doing this my whole life), soaking in Epsom salt baths to relax every part of my being a couple times a week, taking my vitamins & supplements every single day, etc.
• baking muffins and pies and brownies and bread again, now that the nausea is less intense. Baking has always been my favorite form of art and breathes life into my soul (plus, it makes for a very happy hubby)

Fifth, we give ourselves grace. These struggles & thoughts & emotions bring so much guilt. I don't know if I've ever felt like a more horrible person than I have these last few months. It boggles my mind how my heart can be filled with so much gratitude, awe, wonder, love, and joy, knowing God is growing a LIFE within my WOMB, and yet still experience these other overwhelming negative emotions, anxiety, struggles, and battles. I have repeatedly said to my hubby that is so crazy how a time can be filled with so much joy and so much pain all at the same time. My heart has never been exploding with this much love and gratitude. My heart has also never faced this many battles and emotions and challenges. I heard recently that a pregnant woman experiences more hormones in nine months of pregnancy than a woman who never has children experiences in her whole life. So ladies, let's give ourselves grace. It's okay to not be okay. Let's stop beating ourselves up.  Let's take responsibility and be proactive but we need to stop criticizing and attacking ourselves with feelings of guilt, failure, and defeat. (1 Cor. 15:57)

These are simply the things I've slowly been learning over the past few months. Each day is a new battle and a new opportunity to keep growing and pressing on. This is my first pregnancy and I still have half a pregnancy to go, so I am the furthest thing from an expert. But i have experienced my share of challenges in these first 20 weeks of pregnancy and my desire is to share & bless others through these storms and lessons.

I would love to hear from you and about your experiences. I also always thoroughly enjoy hearing what others are doing for self-care, daily rituals & routines, and just staying sane in this crazy world. Please drop a comment or send me a message. Happy Thursday, friends!

It's a gray, blustery, rainy Monday morning in January. The outdoors is wet and soggy and gross and a huge tree limb has fallen across the street. I had a rough pregnancy weekend and opted to listen to my body and take the morning off work & rest. 

Oh, yes, pregnancy. Seeing as I have not blogged in 265 days, I suppose I should catch this place up to speed.

2017 was the most craziest eventful year in the history of my nearly three decades of life... In the span of a few months, Justin and I...

...brought home a new (completely crazy) fur baby
...traveled almost every single summer weekend
...found out we had to move out of our cute rental house
...searched for a house
...found a house
...made an offer on a house
...bought a house
...did a TON of unexpected work on said house (cat piss ruins everything, people. everything)
....moved (amidst multiple week long work trips for Justin)
...found out we were pregnant (!!!!!!)
...experienced the first trimester of a horribly challenging beginning to a pregnancy

Okay, now that we're all caught up (not really), let's dive into some nitty gritty.

Pregnancy with chronic health issues is downright terrifying. It is the hardest thing I have ever ever done. And friends, to be perfectly vulnerably honest, that really is saying something, after the past dozen years of illness.

Scrolling through my Facebook, you'll find numerous requests for prayer. God has blessed us with so many faithful prayer warriors and prayer is truly what has gotten us through these last few months. Below is a synopsis of the first half of this pregnancy. (For those who have been following our story on social media, this will be somewhat repetitive but I promise there are new thoughts & details sprinkled in.)

On November 5th, we made our social media pregnancy announcement. So fun.

​On November 8th, we requested prayer as we began this journey of pregnancy with chronic illness. By this time, morning (all day/night) sickness had been in full force for weeks and the concerns regarding my Crohn's were increasing, as I was unable to eat even remotely properly.

​On November 14th, I shared a painful post, urgently requesting prayer, as the Crohn's had begun to flare up.

On November 17th, I expressed mega thanks for my momma and sisters who were helping me through incredibly rough times of migraines, nausea, Crohn's pain etc. They really are the best and deserve more props & praise than I could ever give them.

On November 21st, we experienced awe & wonder as we heard baby's heartbeat for the first time and breathed a huge sigh of relief that all appeared well with our wee one!
​

On November 22nd, the eve of Thanksgiving Day, we shared the HUGE praise that God had miraculously answered prayers and my Crohn's symptoms had *almost* all gone away! We had started noticing improvements within 48 hours of requesting prayer on Facebook and asking our families to pray... Dozens upon dozens were in prayer and my parents spent time in fervent prayer on that Tuesday evening. This goes on my list of top answered prayer request of my whole life. God is so good.
​

On November 24th, we had our first family photos as a family of THREE!!!
​

Over the next week or two, I shared about things like pregnancy hiccups, unpacking boxes when I actually had a decent Saturday, rough Mondays with nausea, abdominal pain, and exhaustion, encouraging notes in my mailbox, birthday fun, Christmas preparations, and other such little daily life things. We had a very small timeframe of a bit of relief from the most severe nausea, etc. and we were so grateful.

On December 8th, I posted requesting prayers after having the most horrific migraine of my entire life all day. Little did I know that by 4am the next morning, we would be in the emergency room. Saturday, December 9th, Justin and I began taking turns keeping our friends & family informed as i endured 4 of the most painfully horrific days of my life.

For days, we battled excruciating head pain, incredibly violent vomiting, extreme dehydration, exhaustion and sleeplessness beyond anything I had imagined, gagging, choking, anxiety,  medication side effects, extreme fear for baby's well being and my own ability to keep going, etc. Friends, it was awful. The care of the nurses and doctors is something I for which I'll be eternally grateful.

On December 11th, day 2 1/2 of my hospital stay, the ultrasound techs came up to my hospital room to check on our little one. Words cannot express the relief, joy, love, and gratitude I felt as my mom and I watched this precious, 13 week old miracle kick and wiggle and show off all his/her moves. Amidst my utter misery, my heart exploded in a million awestruck pieces and I was given renewed strength and motivation to keep going. 
​

The next day, amidst the weariness and discouragement and continued pain, I was able to go home. It took a little discussing and pleading, but they let me go, even though I was far from out of the woods. I just needed to be in my own home and sleep in my own bed. Grateful for the nurse who went to bat for me and for the doctor's agreeableness. That first night home, I spent 12 beautiful hours in our own bed and it was glorious.

Over the next couple weeks, I continued to battle headaches (not migraines, gratefully), weakness, a head cold, nausea, blurry vision. Shortly before Christmas, I was able to go back to work very part time. We enjoyed a quieter Christmas than I would normally plan but still enjoyed plenty of time with our families. We both had off work and Justin was able to remodel our laundry/mud room, with the help of a few family members. It made for one happy momma to finally have that room functional!
​

Throughout the month of January, I have continued to experience pounding headaches, daily blurry vision, and other "fun" pregnancy symptoms. We have had to make difficult decisions over and over... diet, medications, financial losses, etc. We have struggled and cried and prayed through very very hard choices. I have begun weekly acupuncture and chiropractic treatments as we continue to seek out relief and healing. We have spent much time in prayer together and individually. Justin has held me through more tears than we could begin to count. 

We've also had more enjoyable conversations about things like baby names and whether we're having a boy or a girl (we find out the end of the week!). We've been in awe of my growing belly and laughed at my new bra size. We've had a few date nights, everything from Christmas lights and hot cocoa in our PJ's  to sharing the Tour of Italy entree at Olive Garden after running errands. 

On January 6th, Justin got to feel baby move for the first time! This man has stood so strongly by my side through the most painful and ugly moments...so sharing in one of the happy joys of this journey was all the more precious.
​

My obsessive, over thinking, perfectionist personality has been challenged over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. I am slowly learning the art of letting go, of trusting God more, of relentless submission and surrender, of breathing deeply, of praying over everything, of taking time to be in the Word, of letting others help and hold me when I need it.

Our Christmas trees are still up. The baby's room is full of all kinds of crap. The kitchen still needs a ton of painting and scrubbing and organizing. The laundry is never done. Our bedroom is a mess of maternity and non-maternity clothes that need to  be organized and put away accordingly. The dog doesn't get nearly enough exercise. There is dog hair and dust everywhere in this house that only gets lightly cleaned about every 2-4 weeks tops. The kitchen floor really needs to be mopped. On and on the list goes. I remind myself it's good preparation for motherhood, once baby is on the outside.

Over the past couple weeks, I've gradually had a few good half days here and there, during which I've enjoyed baking for the hubby, strolling Target, and actually making a few solid home cooked meals. These small victories bring so much joy to my soul.
​

​We continue to pray every single day and learn new lessons each week. God's faithfulness & mercy has been so abundantly present, amidst each struggle. I hope to share more details about the daily battles, emotional struggles, & random decisions associated with pregnancy, specifically pregnancy with chronic illness. There will also be more fun details about baby planning & dreaming, gender reveal, and more. Stay tuned as we continue this baby growing journey! 

​It's Tuesday, May 2nd. I seriously cannot believe we're almost halfway through the year of 2017. This week I'm checking in with myself and giving myself a good kick in the backside.
​
By this time of the year (if not much much sooner), those optimistically written New Years resolutions are all too easily faded away. I'm as guilty as the next guy. I'm better than I was, but not where I resolved to be. 

I'll take "better" and I'll keep working towards "best".

I haven't been able to work out as many times a week as I'd like but I've worked out (minus a couple months, due to major health challenges).

I haven't been in the Word everyday like I aim to but I've read more than I was reading and I've been listening to biblically sound teaching that God continues to use to transform and mold me into the image of Christ.

I haven't been able to devote quite as much focused time and energy into my business as I'd hoped to but I'm leaps and bounds ahead of where I was.

We still have a long ways to go towards our 2017 financial goals but we've dumped a lot towards those goals (amidst major ginormous setbacks).

And life, as per usual, has added in multiple unexpected happenings that consume time and energy (and money) that we weren't planning on.

Laying to rest my beautiful pooch.

A very difficult wisdom tooth extraction and recovery.

Big decisions thrown at us to wrestle through.

Unexpected bills.

An awful hospital stay.

Weeks of recovery.

Huge health care changes to pray (and cry) through.

Preparing for a tiny new puppy to come home.

The list goes on...

​It is good and healthy and productive to have goals, to aim high, to continually better ourselves and work hard.

But we need to give ourselves some grace too. Life is crazy and unexpected and full and overwhelming.

There will always be dishes and laundry and bathrooms that need cleaning.

There will always be bills to pay and phone calls to make.

There will always be appointments to keep and those over-packed days in our weeks.

There will always be business messages to send and reply to and keep up on.

There will always be disappointments and discouragements.

I'm a perfectionist at my core. That can be a good thing but it can also be a very damaging and hindering characteristic. It means my expectations are too high for myself and too high for those closest to me. It causes constant disappointment in myself and irritation with others. 

So I am working at letting go of perfectionism, at lowering my blood pressure when the house is a mess (even though my hubby says it isn't), at not letting fear of doing things imperfectly paralyze me from doing things at all, at giving myself grace to not do all of life perfectly all of the time.

Because heck, that's impossible. I am a human. (Yes, I literally have to remind myself of that.)

I'm thankful for God's grace, for my husband's love, for the encouragement of my tribe surrounding me. 

2017 has had so many struggles but it has also had so many victories. It is shaping up to be another "best year yet" and I'm so excited for what God has in store.

Happy Tuesday, lovelies. Keep sparkling, keep striving, keep shining, keep keeping it real!

It's a gorgeous spring Sunday here in Wisconsin. The skies are  blue, the sun is beaming, and it's nearly 70 degrees. This is basically perfection here in cheese land. 

Speaking of cheese, I just polished off a personal sized plate of basil tomato cheddar cheese and crackers. Oh. Em. Gee. Yummo. And I have my Blue Moon with an orange peel (or two) to my right. Mmmm. I love weekends.

The hubby is off playing ultimate frisbee and, while I love watching him play, my soul is absolutely craving some alone time today. It's hard to come by these days, and I'm okay with that, but occasionally i just need it. Badly.

I'm one of those weird crosses between an introvert and an extrovert. What's the name for that again? I can't remember.  Anyway, it makes life very interesting. 

Anywho.

Last weekend we celebrated our first wedding anniversary. 

We spent the majority of the time wondering how the heck it had been 365 days already. Although, it also feels like we've been together forever and can hardly imagine life without one another.

We pretended we were rich and lived in an 800 square foot luxurious suite for about 20 hours. We sipped wine and soaked in the Jacuzzi and slept on the Tempur-Pedic ginormous king size bed and watched La La Land on the hugest TV I've ever seen, while watching the lightning show outside our huge Victorian era windows. We had an amazing breakfast of mixed berry & almond French toast, sausages, and fruit cups delivered to our bedroom door and they left homemade cheesecake in our fridge.

After packing up our bags, we strolled through historical Galena, IL and bought cheese (remember that basil tomato cheddar I mentioned?) and bottles of wine, infused oils, & balsamic vinegar. We drank wine from a can and sat overlooking the river and talked about life and argued about dance classes. We grabbed a root beer float and jumped back in the car and headed to Dubuque, IA for dinner. A few cheese curds and a shared burger & beer later, we strolled the river walk along the Mississippi and took pictures and delayed heading home to reality. 

We jumped off the highway a couple of miles near Belmont and visited the original State Capitol Building historical site (I'm such a historical building geek). We got home around 8:00pm and browsed through hundreds of wedding photos, laughing and reminiscing. 

And then we both went to work Monday morning and he had an overnight work trip and reality hit us hard. But the refreshment, the glow, the rejuvenation, the spark, the closeness, hung on throughout the week. And I'm reminded of the need to routinely take time "off" for just the two of us.

Time off from work stresses.

Time off from mundane housework and yard work and budgets and dirty laundry.

Time off from constantly talking about logistics and finances and health and whether or not the cheese cutter should go in the dishwasher.

(Gosh, cheese is becoming a common theme in this post.)

Time off.

The Bible says quite a bit about rest, amidst all the things it says about work and diligence and perseverance.  It is necessary for our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health and necessary for our marital health.

When I was single, I could run around like crazy,  do all the things, wear myself out ragged, and it mostly only affected me in a deep personal way. Now that I'm married, it affects the person I love most in this world on a very deep level. 

So that's why today, after he and I had a very long and soul searching discussion on our living room couch, I opted to just be alone with my thoughts and my laptop for a couple hours. Before heading into another work week, I need time and space to clear my head, talk with God, listen to the birds chirping through the patio screen door here in our sunroom, and just be quiet and alone and write. 

Because sometimes, the best way to love my husband is not to sit and watch him play ultimate. It's rest and care for myself and talk with God so that I can love my husband better.

God and I have a lot to wrestle through. There is some tough stuff going on in my life and heart and mind. And when I don't take time, energy, and prayer to deal with it, my marriage is the first thing to suffer. 

And that's not fair to my hubby and it doesn't help us model Christ and His Bride for the world to see. At all.

So here I sit. Thankful for quiet. Thankful for alone time. Thankful for my amazing marriage, flaws and all. Thankful for so many things, amidst the struggles and pains. 

Thankful for my husband and all of God's goodness to us. Here's to the next 70 years!

It's been over a week now, since I was very unexpectedly hospitalized. God has sustained and worked some healing (not done yet) and tried to teach me a lot about trust, patience, and letting go of my own plans and desires.

Because for real, whose "plans and desires" are to spend four days in a hospital bed and a week at home recovering. 

But letting go of my plans, desires, dreams, goals, and things that I love, expands way past this recent hospitalization. 

Due to the physical issues and struggles, I had to let go of a business goal. And I had to not let it crush me and my perfectionist self too much.

Daily, I am slowly watching myself have to let go of my beautiful golden pooch who is dying before my eyes. We have a tough decision to make very very soon.

In my marriage, I have to continually let go of expectations and pride and selfishness. (And I need to let go of it more often. For real.)

Each day I have to let go of having a perfect home all the time. The struggle is real. 

I have been steadily going through our rooms and closets and drawers and purging and decluttering. It is so freeing to let go of things that don't serve a purpose or bring joy.

God continually reminds me that I have to let go of being in control. Because who am I kidding: I cannot be in control. That is His job. And the more I try to control life, outcomes, people, and plans, the more I fail, the more I hurt those I love, the angrier I become. It's ugly.

Continually, I have to let go of hurts and offenses from others. I wish this was easier for me but it is something the Holy Spirit needs to work in my heart and soul because it does not come naturally. (I wish I could be more like my hubby in this area.)

When people I care about make poor decisions or don't do what I deem to be best for them or just don't see the truth, I have to let go and trust them to God, not carry that on myself and fret about it. 

While waiting and waiting and waiting on something, I have to let go of obsessively worrying and wondering (and stomping my feet) and let go of the unknown and trust God's perfectly sovereign plan.

Huge and unexpected medical expenses means letting go of our perfectly planned out financial goals for the year (and increases my passion & determination to grow my home business).

Continuing to better myself and bring even further healing and wellness into my life and home means I have to let go of some things that I love that don't serve those purposes. (Pssst: I'm still drinking wine and eating chocolate, don't panic.)

When I picture letting go, I see open hands at the end of outstretched arms. And when our hands our wide open and not clinging to things, they are free to receive God's best gifts, plans, and purposes, even when we don't see or understand them. There is beauty and promise and glory in our pain and shattered plans.

It's 9:51 on a Saturday morning  I'm on hour 55 or so of being stuck in a hospital bed. Life is so crazy and unexpected and can be so painful.

My Crohn's disease is in complete remission. Thanks to the best nutrition on the planet, I have enjoyed several years now of remission, health, healing, and LIVING LIFE.

However, scar tissue in my intestinal tract, from the many years that I was so ill, has reared it's ugly head once again and caused a bowel obstruction.  It began Wednesday afternoon. Initially, I thought it was just something that I ate. However, 12 hours later it was so excruciating that I could barely breathe and was on the bathroom floor, rocking back & forth, writhing & sobbing in pain and distress.

I was trying to deny what was happening. Maybe it was one of the stomach bugs going around. However, deep down, I knew exactly what I was feeling and experiencing. 

And it terrified me.

I so badly want to be PAST all of this. I'm healthy now, the Crohn's is in remission, I have the best nutrition in the world and live a full and vibrant life. So in my mind, this should not be happening.

Sadly, years and years of illness cannot be completely erased. I spent years so severely ill. (Additionally, several weeks ago I had an oral surgery that has caused many complications and side effects and meds that negatively affect my gut health and most likely triggered this.)

Looking back, it's still painful to recall those weeks, months, and years. 

But amidst the pain, I see God's faithfulness. And that faithfulness is the same today because my God does not change. 

And as I sit here on this Saturday morning, bored and exhausted and sick of Netflix, I rejoice in His goodness to me.

I have the best husband in the world who exemplifies what true love is and it shines bright for the world to see, always in health and especially in sickness. He stayed up with me all night the first night, held me, prayed over me, cared for me, loved me. And he is by my bedside every moment that he possibly can be.

I have a mom who comes and stays with me so that I have someone here even when my hubby needs to be at work and takes the best notes of what the doctors and nurses say and what meds I had when and how i'm doing.

I have family that visits me and friends that text and pray.

And I have Jesus. He is enough.